Murder, California style
I think California style means ‘inadvertant’. See below.

Chapter 1: Bruce is pissed that he just threw a tennis tournament, thus earning himself the nickname ‘Mack the Hack’. WTF? That nickname makes no sense to me. Maybe if his name was Bruce McPatman...I digress. Lila is not amused and snaps at him to ‘stop obsessing’. It turns out Bruce lost the tournament final to Paul and Bunny (other snobs) on Lila’s instruction (because she wanted access to the Verona Springs Country Club VIP circle) and then afterwards was hustled by Paul. Kung-fu hustled? That would be entertaining. But I think it’s just something else to do with tennis - yawn. I’m a little unpleasantly surprised that Lila feels she needs to brown-nose a girl with a name like Bunny. Should her demand to be a VIP member not be immediately granted because lest-we-forget she is LILA FOWLER?! Bruce does point this out, which causes Lila’s eyes to ‘sizzle’ at him.
Let me take this opportunity to mention all indications that Lila and Bruce are wealthy: his sunglasses are Ray-Bans; she has a red leather address book; she puts the thank-you notes in embossed cream envelopes; she has an expensive fountain pen, and she gets her eyelashes tinted once a week. It turns out that Bruce accompanies her to each and every appointment so he can hold her hand. My second WTF of this evening: Lila, what has happened to you? You can survive a plane crash and live in the wolf-infested snow for a week but you’re afraid of eyelash tinting? Please don’t disappoint me any further.
Bruce checks out Lila and thinks she looks “aggressively tempting” - uh oh. Sounds like he might be slipping back to his high school ‘swigging wine out of paper cups and sexually assaulting’ self.
Lila (aka the Queen of Everything) points out to Bruce that he can’t mock others for being rich snobs when he himself is one. As is she. And proud of it. That’s more like it, Lila. Bruce objects to her ‘goal’ of joining the VIP circle but is stumped when she replies that it’s what she wants. “Because on Planet Lila, that was just the way things were. If Lila wanted it, it was Bruce’s job to see she got it.” They make out, and Bruce internally resolves to stand up to Lila some day.

Chapter 2: We’re in Elizabeth’s head. She recounts that, though she ‘didn’t appreciate being assigned squishy society stories’ such as the Verona Springs tennis tournament, she is now full of glee because someone has died. The SV police haven’t confirmed it was murder but Liz’s ‘journalistic radar screams cover-up.’ Too bad that radar was on the fritz when you were dating a certain Mr. White. Her suspicions were confirmed in book 34 when she ran into Tom at the club, who wouldn’t be there if there was no story, and she commenced quizzing some poor gardener about his nephew’s recent death. She returned the next day to question him further and discovered that he had retired. This screams foul play in Liz’s book. I scream that he has in fact upped sticks and moved to Florida to avoid her annoyingness but that’s just my ‘Liz is irritating’ radar doing the talking. Then she compares the pain of the idea that something has happened to the gardener to the pain she feels when she thinks of Tom, who she’s recently broken up with. (He didn’t believe that his recently-discovered biological father was stalking her. His journalistic radar also sucks. Doesn’t he know that Liz is a magnet for this sort of thing?)
She bumps into Bruce and has a chuckle at his expense over the fact that he called the cops on Paul in the last book for supposedly robbing him, though in fact Paul won the money from Bruce in a tennis match (see above mention of hustling). Liz’s radar screams again though when she discovers that Bruce paid Paul by check whereas she saw Paul wave a big wad of cash, which he’d supposedly won from Bruce, at the police. She runs to tell Scott Sinclair, her colleague at the SVU Gazette, about this development. Strangely enough his description is remarkably similar to the description of the twins - shoulder length blonde hair and crystalline blue eyes. A long-lost brother perhaps? But he has the hots for Liz so probably not. (Though they could have double-dated with Jess and Steven)
Scott has an idea to help he and Liz ferret out the story. It involves a van. I don’t care.

Chapter 3: Tom is looking at a photo of the victorious Paul in the social section of the local newspaper. Tom doesn’t think Paul is bright or funny. It’s indicated to the reader that Paul isn’t much to look at either. And perhaps even a little on the rotund side? GASP. Obviously a bad guy. Tom reminds us that he contributed 10 dollars to a collection for a Verona Springs (VS) employee and he wrote buena suerte (good luck) on the bill...a bill which he then saw in Paul’s hand when he was confronted by the police. Wow, Tom has hella good eyesight. He laments over the fact that if Elizabeth was helping him, he’d probably have the case solved by now. Uh, don’t be too sure of that. He then has a little whinge about how he and Liz were magic together in every way and how he wants to get her back.
Enter Dana, Tom’s sort-of girlfriend. Or as I like to call her ‘The Fan of Elizabeth’s Sloppy Seconds’. Basically Dana is hot and a little wild. (Though I’m sure that’s in comparison to Elizabeth. ‘Wild’ in Tom’s book probably means a girl who doesn’t match her barrettes to her outfit) Tom is a little disgusted that Dana has drawn a tattoo on her arm to match her ensemble, something Liz would never do in a million years. Well of course not. It would distract from her sanctimonious expression. Even though he hearts Liz such a lot, his pulse quickens when Dana’s around. And we all know where the blood flow is rushing to. Dana has come to invite Tom to Congressman Krandall’s (Paul’s dad) reception at the club. Tom responds with a wince. Harsh. He feels guilty for using Dana to access the couples-only circle at the club but then feigns interest in her so he can ‘keep her on the string until he gets his story’. I don’t remember Tom being this much of a dickhead. Well not until after Liz dumps him for the last time at least. Anyone noticed that Liz’s longterm boyfriends all fail miserably at life when she breaks up with them? Todd gets involved in sports scandal, drops out of college and becomes a townie who works in a bar. (And shags Dana.) Tom becomes a slutty alcoholic football player. (And shags Dana.)
Anyway Tom thinks about how upset he is that Liz sees him as a creep, which he is not. But then realises that he is - because he’s using Dana, and because he wants to scoop Liz and rub her nose in it. Because he’s nuts about her. WTF. (That’s three.)

Cut to Elizabeth, who’s sitting in Scott’s taxi yellow convertible and feeling a little scared. Why? Apparently he will drive the van he has borrowed from a friend to VS, leave it in the car park before the reception, cut across the golf course and rendezvous with Elizabeth. That way the less conspicuous van will be there on standby if they wish to tail anyone once the Congressman’s reception is over. Well anything’s less conspicuous than a taxi yellow convertible. (Scott you are a knobjockey). Liz spots Scott emerging from the golf course with a Frisbee which he then gives to a group of kids. Liz remarks that Scott is ‘incredibly good’. Why? Because anyone who saw him would think he was a great guy who gave some little kids back their frisbee, not some shifty character who just snuck off the golf course. Um, unless there are government secrets held at that golf course, I’m sure that nobody gives a shit. But of course Elizabeth acts like he’s Bob Woodward

Chapter 3: Jessica and BF Nick Fox are at a grubby diner. Jess is completing her transformation from Jessica Wakefield to Perdita, a classy Argentinean heiress. Oh boy. It’s recapped that she is working undercover with Nick on the murder investigation at VS. The fact that she randomly showed up at a chop shop bust in a previous book, almost getting Nick and cop colleagues killed, has not made Nick run screaming in the opposite direction. His boss now finds her endearing and requested that she help out on this particular case because Nick doesn’t have a clue how to act around rich folks. And Jessica does, courtesy of BFF Queen Lila. Jessica’s transformation has involved dying her hair black, wearing fake tan and heavy make-up, and sporting vintage brightly-coloured clothes. Nick didn’t think this would fool anyone (Neither did I. Didn’t Jess dye her hair black in a SVH book?? And people recognised her then) But everyone at VS is so self-absorbed that they don’t notice. Plus her disguise is way better than Nick’s: he cuts his hair. And wears glasses and cologne. Clark Kent, eat your heart out. Nick is glad that Jessica’s having fun working on the case but warns her that the chief might close it if they don’t discover anything. And Jessica can go back to doing whatever it is she does when she’s not with him. Way to take an interest Nick. She points out that Liz and Tom wouldn’t be sniffing around if there was nothing going on. But he wants to end the investigation for another reason: he likes to separate his private and personal lives, and working with Jess makes him feel like he’s babysitting. She’s indignant and points out that she’s a professional undercover operative as she’s managed to fool Lila, Tom, Bruce etc. But Nick notices that she doesn’t include Elizabeth’s name. Huh, maybe he is a decent cop, lack of information on Jess’s life aside. Needless to say, Nick is pissed that Jess didn’t tell him her cover was blown and tells her her “childish ‘I want’ behaviour” makes it impossible to trust her in a police situation. Of course she shoots herself in the foot by whining his name, in two syllables. Ni-ick goes to the mens room to cool off, thinking that exciting, bright and witty as Jess is, she’s also a loose cannon. He also thinks that Liz is probably sharp enough to see through his disguise if she’s blown Jess’ cover. Maybe Liz wouldn’t have a colossal ego if everyone didn’t give her so much credit for the tiny shreds of intelligence she displays. Nick wants there to be no  more case, cos then Jess won’t be in danger. But then why is Liz investigating?? Nice that he gives Liz more credit than himself, a detective.

Lila goes shopping with Denise and Isabella for an outfit to wear to the reception because she doesn’t always trust her own taste. WTF. She then proves her lack of taste by showing interest in a peach linen jacket. Lila, what has become of you? She sees Paul outside the boutique  and  yells ‘Yoo-hoo’ over at him. What? Lila Fowler would never yell ‘Yoo-hoo’ at anyone. Paul looks annoyed and Lila worries that she has ‘gaffed’ (why is Lila not her confident snobby self?) but then his face returns to his usual bland expression. Lila’s radar is even more pathetic than Liz’s - she thinks he’s frowning at the sun. They meet and greet for a moment, Paul momentarily forgets his fiancé’s name, and then climbs into a sedan. Which causes Izzy to wrinkle her nose. I think we’re supposed to note this as suspicious. Too bad Scott and Liz aren’t around to pull their frisbee trick.

Chapter 4: Jess sits alone at the diner table, waiting for Nick to emerge from the bathroom. She has a brief chat with the waitress about her coffee fortune back in ol’ Buenos Aires, but then when the waitress returns to give her a refill, Jess forgets her Argentinean accent. D’oh! Boy is she glad that Nick didn’t witness that fuck-up. She looks out the window and sees Paul emerge from a sedan and walk across the parking lot, looking to the left and right. Jess has been taught that same reconnaissance technique (looking around her? That had to be taught? Oh dear) and she knows he is checking to see if anyone’s watching. He approaches a parked van and swaps vehicles with the driver. Jess unfortunately can’t read the plates of the vehicles (if only laser-eye Tom were here) but does memorise some important details about the van: the colour and the fact that it has a missing mud flap. Remember this kids. She reports back to Nick but he doesn’t think it means anything, though he praises her instincts. Somewhat condescendingly. Something along the lines of: Don’t worry about the weird behaviour you just saw, let’s focus on what Liz  thinks might be going on. Obviously he heard about the bang-up job she did solving that mall robbery back in middle school. Jess promises that she’ll lean on Liz to find out what she’s working on.

Liz and Scott are in his obnoxious car reviewing the case as it stands. A caddy, Dwayne Mendoza, was found in the golf course lake, probably murdered. Another caddy, Brandon Phillips, is being held by police. Dwayne’s uncle, Juan, has disappeared after saying that people are ‘getting away with murder’. Liz bets that means the murderer is still at large...and getting away with it. Oh dear lord. (A spectacular recap was written where it was mentioned that Nancy Drew and Veronica Mars would laugh hysterically at Liz’s investigative skills. I think this book would also induce much mirth in their corner). Someone else is missing too: Manuel Coimbra, a busboy. During his absence he has received a voter registration card (been snooping through mail Liz? That’s illegal) which is curious because he was an illegal alien. Plus his name was spelled Manoel on the card. But it’s probably just a typo, nobody spells Manuel with an ‘o’. Remember this. They wonder about Paul’s involvement. Liz suggests he’s running a hustling scam, and they’ve got two stories for the price of one. Scott scratches his stubbly chin and Liz is sent on a Tom-themed nostalgia trip. Liz is worried that Scott is disappointed in her, that she’s not living up to her rep as a crack investigative reporter.



Sorry I had to take a three day break from writing this recap to give me the chance to stop guffawing. And how exactly has she earned such a rep after about three months of university?
Anyway, they arrive at the county records office where Scott opens the door for Liz. The same way Tom used to. He then takes her arm. The same way Tom used to. I want to kill Elizabeth. The same way William White used to.
Liz wants an updated address for Manuel Coimbra but the clerk can’t find anything.. They then check an address for Manoel Coimbra. But the clerk says this man is dead. Liz goes into a guilt tailspin. She feels responsible for his death because she’s been asking questions, and the gardener’s probably dead now too because of her. She’s been so arrogant - people are dying and it’s her fault because she’s been thinking more about beating Tom than behaving like a responsible journalist. Isn’t believing that the fate of other people depends on your crack reporter skills also a little bit arrogant Elizabeth? Plus you have so many other deaths that you already feel guilty about. No need to add two more. But it turns out Manoel was a Brazilian native with valid US residency who died in 1991, aged 76. Not exactly a teenager, Liz remarks. No Liz, not exactly. But the two Manuels lived in the same voting district - coincidence? Liz goes outside for a think but feels her brain is gone stale, and she is hence letting the whole medium of print journalism down. Jesus. Scott tells her that he’s secured her a visit with Brandon Phillips, the murder suspect, but they have to go to the reception first. Scott asks if Liz has any conservative clothes. He has come to the right person. Then Scott drapes his arm around her shoulders which she finds repulsive, and annoying seeing as she’s sending him clear ‘don’t touch’ signals. You know what a clear signal would be? Pushing his arm away. Or running him over in his taxi yellow convertible. I do not like Scott. But then again Liz ends up dating him despite these ‘clear’ signals. So maybe he was right to be a bit confused.

Chapter 5: Jess is breaking in to the room she shares with Elizabeth. She’s using stealth tactics because she knows that, if spotted, people will wonder what a glamourous Argentinian heiress is doing in the Wakefields’ room. In reality, people would just wonder: ‘What’s up with Jessica’s hair?’ Jess sees her messy bed and feels it’s part of a former life. Now she is an undercover cop and she’s left all that behind. Did we miss the part where she earned a police badge? Jess takes a moment to be disgusted by the fact that Liz owns a bookcase. Jess doesn’t even know where her books are. Surely if Jess were a good investigator, she would be able to find them? She starts rooting around Liz’s notebooks but is caught redhanded by the Sanctimonious One herself. Liz is angry but Jess points out that it’s selfish of her to let a murderer walk loose just because Liz is mad at an old boyfriend. Jess: 1, Liz: 0. Liz replies that that’s the kind of thing Jess would do, not her. I think you’ll find that is what you’re doing Liz. Jess: 1, Liz:-1 (for being a hypocritical bitch). Jess then implies that Tom is being mature by helping the investigation. But Liz says that Jess doesn’t need her help then! Darn. Jess: 2, Liz: 0

Tom’s at the reception area, and a football analogy is used to explain why he observes his surroundings. And also to remind us of his PAST. I don’t know why he needs to know where the exits are. He’s not Jason Bourne. Plus, he’s outside. He notices that it’s a beautiful day. And I HAVE to quote the following line: “One of those California afternoons that makes lonesome people lonesome enough to cry.” I don’t think I’ve heard the word ‘lonesome’ since I last listened to Elvis music. Tom, you and Elizabeth are a cheese-match made in heaven. Dana appears and starts kissing Tom’s neck. He knows he should be happy with sexy Dana but instead he feels like he’s going to cry, and wonders how he’ll bear being this miserable without Liz for the rest of his life. You won’t bear it Tom; you’ll turn to the demon drink. Though Tom is fighting back tears, he reminds himself of the poor gardener and how there is more at stake than his relationship with Liz. After Dana leaves, Carlos, the headwaiter, comes along and chats with Tom. Tom notices that Carlos’ eyes narrow when he spots Paul. Is Carlos afraid of Paul, or angry with him perhaps? Tom hypothesises that Paul is blackmailing the workers who don’t have the right papers and that’s how he ended up with the ‘buena suerte’ ten dollars. Now that’s more along the lines of crack reporting. You don’t need Liz, Tom. Just some balls perhaps. Carlos remarks that it must be hard for Tom to imagine what it would be like to struggle to find work. This gets Tom’s back up - he is a sensitive dude. Of course he could imagine the plight of the unfortunate. But he doesn’t argue when he realises that he doesn’t understand the harsh reality of poverty coupled with discrimination. Oh jeez. It’s Sanctimonious Tom. Tom remarks to Carlos that the workers at VS may be vulnerable but they could be protected. But then Carlos is called away.

Chapter 6: Liz is furious at Tom because she thinks he’s helping Nick’s investigation. Furious because she knows the only reason he’s doing it is to get to her, to find out what she knows. What a douche. Scott and Liz are at the police station to interview Brandon Phillips. We find out that Scott keeps a nail clipper in his pocket. This makes me shudder a little.  Liz is shocked that Brandon, a prisoner, is wearing handcuffs. (Though if he hasn’t been charged, could the police handcuff him? Or make him wear the orange jumpsuit he’s sporting?) Scott had informed Brandon that they are attorneys, but of course Liz pisses all over that plan by denying that she’s an attorney, and is flabbergasted that Scott would lie to prison officials.Most likely she presumed that all Scott had to do was drop her name to gain visiting access to the prisoner. Liz decides to  nonetheless take advantage of the opportunity to secure information. Oh yeah, and justice. She keeps forgetting that one. Brandon says he is innocent and has been framed. When pressed by Liz, he remembers that Manoel, originally from Monterray, was a nervous fellow and once got very jumpy when Dwayne remarked how unusual it was that his name was spelled with an ‘o’. Brandon remembers it was something to do with Portugese. Liz remembers from Coimbra’s obituary that he was from Brazil where they speak Portugese. This means that Manoel had a motive, because Dwayne had proof that he wasn’t who he said he was. I wouldn’t call a harmless remark about someone’s name ‘proof’ but I’m no crack investigator. Dwayne knew that Manoel had assumed the identity of a dead man and the knowledge cost him his life. Who will be killed next? I would never be that melodramatic; that’s what Liz is thinking.

Tom feels underdressed at the reception so asks Carlos to provide him with a jacket and tie. He takes this opportunity to let Carlos know that he’s a journalist. And that he knows what’s going on. Paul is blackmailing him. Carlos begins to panic and wonders if that’s why the police are investigating. Tom says no you fool, it’s because of the dead guy. Tom says he’s on Carlos’ side; all he needs is information from him. You are such a user, Tom. But his attempts are foiled when the VS manager comes along to introduce crack reporter Tom to the Congressman. And Carlos slips through Tom’s fingers.

Chapter 6: Liz is giving Scott the silent treatment because he completely disregarded the first rule of collaboration: Don’t lie to your partner. She starts to miss Tom, who would never try to make her decisions for her! She thinks that she should call Tom and apologise. Saying what? I’m sorry your dad sexually assaulted me and you were a jackass about it? Come on Liz - for once, I’m on your side in this. But Scott replies that he was taking full responsibility for his underhanded actions, meaning that Liz couldn’t get into trouble if they were caught. He’s merely trying to clear Elizabeth’s path so she can do what she does. Get stalked? Attract misunderstood men? Doormat? Liz realises that she wouldn’t be where she is on the story without Scott’s help so she apologises. She guesses that Dwayne tried to blackmail Manoel and Manoel decided to kill him. And maybe Brandon was framed because he might have eventually figured it out. Eventually. He couldn’t hope to get there as quickly as Liz did.

Lila criticises Bruce’s shoes. And his jacket. And accuses him of wearing crummy looking clothes to make her look bad in front of the VIPs. She then shrieks in outrage when she clocks that he’s not wearing the ‘unbelievably expensive Giancarlo Colletta limited-edition platinum-and-gold watch’ she gave him for Christmas. Unfazed by the fact that Lila keeps yelling ‘Take it off! Take it off!’ at him, he says that he’s helping her. Because Bruce looks like an idiot, Paul will look better in comparison. Touché. Lila begins to cry and wail - “You’re so mean!” This makes me a little annoyed with her...until I read her interior monologue:
Lila knew from experience that she could shout at Bruce all day long and get nowhere. It was tears he couldn’t cope with. They were incredibly effective, so she tried to use them sparingly. There was always the danger of dulling the effect through overuse.
Lila, resume your position on the throne once more. I’m sorry I ever doubted you. Bruce makes hasty apologies and luckily just happens to have a nice jacket, shoes and The Watch in the car. She accepts his apology, and fixes her make-up, reaching into her papier maché purse in the shape of a sea-cow. Say what now? Lila? You’re scaring me again. It is limited edition but still. Would the fabulous Fowler heiress sport a purse made from wet toilet paper? She shouts hello to Perdita and then thinks to herself that the Argentinean beauty reminds her of someone...

Chapter 7: Tom is mingling with the Congressman and his posse, which he finds dull. So he goes in search of Dana. So he can use her some more. He has to admit that he didn’t listen at all to her cello playing but she says she’ll forgive him in return for one kiss. She leaps on him so passionately that he loses his balance and is forced to lean forward, pressing her against the wall, which only makes her more eager.
Cut to Jessica who lets out a shrill ‘Holy moly!’ at the sight of Tom and Dana’s sexy clinch. Unfortunately she notices, too late, that Lila is within earshot. She tries to amend with a LAME ‘Ai-yai-yai’ (because she is Speedy Gonzalez) but Ms. Fowler can’t be fooled. So Jess runs away and figures that Lila has a short attention span so will probably forget all about this incident. Sure.
Cut to Elizabeth who spots Tom and Dana together and is heartbroken.
Cut to Tom who spots Liz spotting he and Dana. He gets angry at Dana for pouncing on him but then realises he has only himself to blame. He then sees Perdita who looks like she’s being followed. Sure enough, following closely after her is Lila, looking for ‘Perdita’. But she goes the wrong way. Then Perdita comes along again and instructs Tom to tell Lila that she is no longer at the club. My 13 year old self really wanted this to be on TV - Jess’s hopeless act deserves to be seen, not just read. Then Tom approaches Liz, whispering in her ear that he needs to talk to her.

Liz refers to Tom’s investigative style as ‘crude’ and tries to hide that she is sick with disappointment and regret. She then accuses him of using Jessica to pump her for information. Like Jessica would let herself be used by anyone. Tom denies that he’s out to get Liz, but Liz shoots back that she doesn’t need Tom anymore and he can’t stand it. He says that may be true but he needs Liz. Liz lets out a cry. I imagine it sounds like that of a kestrel. Then Tom leans in to kiss her, saying that they can work things out. Her resolve bends like frail flower stems (Laurie John’s words) and she moves to kiss him back, but is interrupted by Scott. Again.
Tom decides he’s never hated anyone as much as he hates phony Scott. Not even William White?  He asks Liz for a moment alone and she grants it, but decides to go back to arguing with him - accusing him of trying to romance information out of her. They seem to be just about to strike a deal to exchange information but Tom spies Scott, who is spying, and realises he doesn’t want Scott knowing what he knows. His actual words are “I don’t want to let that self-aggrandising truffle pig root out my scoop!” Pure literary excellence.

Chapter Nine: Nick is chatting with the rich kids over iced tea. Paul asks him where he went to prep school. In reality Nick went to the roughest school in LA, where you were taught reading and arithmetic if you stayed alive long enough to learn it. Nick thinks he’s James Dean. Every student at his school chose one of two career paths - cop or robber. I don’t think that even a person from the un-roughest school would use the term ‘robber’, least of all a detective. But what do I know? Anyway Nick makes something up, which Paul buys, and then Nick sees Jess run away from Lila. So he suspects she’s blown her cover again.

Lila finally locates Jess in the ladies room and forces her to come clean. Jess takes off her sunglasses revealing her trademark sea-green eyes. This book was published in 1997 - did they not have coloured contacts back then?? Lila panics when she thinks that Nick and Jessica are at the club to investigate Bruce’s claim that Paul is running a scam, but is irked when Jess laughs at the idea that anyone would care about what Bruce thinks. She wants to take Jess down a peg - there’s that good old rivalry. Lila asks Jess if the investigation will affect she and Bruce becoming VIPS. When Jess replies no, Lila stops caring. It obviously can’t be that important then. But she makes Jess promise to tell her everything when it’s over. Jess says she will as long as it’s not classified, to which Lila replies: “Stop showing off and acting important.” Jess is all ‘look who’s talking’ and then Lila says: ‘Well, I am important. So why shouldn’t I show off ?’ Yesss!

Anderson (one of the snobs) is mocking Bruce again, and Bruce fights the urge to...imitate him. Wow. He really has lost his edge. Not even the desire to clock him with a Trusty Toddpunch? Bunny, Paul’s fiancé, begins to laugh like a donkey. Bruce wishes to be shot in the head by a sniper. Congressman Krandall steps up to the podium to make a speech i.e. squeeze the crowd for contributions, which Bruce finds very low-rent. To twist the knife further, Bruce is expected to place his contribution in the silver trophy he lost to Paul. When the cup comes around to Bruce he declares loudly that he will not be making a contribution, thinking that Lila can cry me a river. He feels like Patrick Henry (the American Revolutionary who said ‘Give me liberty or give me death’). Wow, he’s rivalling Liz in the ego stakes once more. Lila stamps her foot but Bruce stays strong and says he’s not giving in this time.
Tom finds this amusing, thinking ‘Go Bruce!’ Then Tom discovers, by means of Lila and Bruce’s argument, that Bruce paid Paul with a check! A check! Not cash! So where did Paul’s big wad of cash come from??? As if on cue, Paul takes said wad of cash from his pocket, pretending to rescue Bruce from the humiliation of not being able to afford a contribution. (Bruce pockets the money that Paul offers him. Excellent.) And Tom’s laser-eyes once again spot the buena suerte bill!!! Tom knows this isn’t proof but he will find a way to prove it in a court of law. Tom rushes off to find Carlos but can’t, so he tries to quiz a busboy. The busboy only speaks Spanish! Tom says D’oh because he took French in high school. So he rushes off once more to find someone to translate - a certain Argentinean heiress. Hee.
Jess, meanwhile, is trying to signal Nick across the room to dutifully let him know that Lila has figured her out. But Tom drags her off. Once Jess figures out what he wants her for, she panics, naturally, and thinks about how annoyed Nick will be. Or maybe he’ll find it hilarious. Um, he didn’t find it hilarious last time, Jess. I think we’re being overly-optimistic. Anyway, Jess, the D-grade Spanish student, begins to try to bluff her way through a translation but is saved by Carlos’ sudden, and angry, appearance. Carlos motions for the busboy to get lost, and then tells Tom that it’s dangerous for him to ask questions, that he should go home and not come back. Then he leaves.
This next bit is my fave part in the whole book so I’m going to type it in as written:

Tom stared at the door, the muscles in his jaw working. “I don’t get it,” he muttered to himself. “Was he warning me? Or threatening me?”
“Oh good,” Jessica said, exhaling in relief. “I didn’t get it either. I thought I was just being dense.”

And of course Jessica’s cover is blown once more. Hee. Naturally she tries to pretend this hasn’t just happened and adopts her phoney Spanish accent again, but Tom is no fool. (In this situation anyway.) She then proceeds to let slip that she is at VS with Nick because they’re working undercover. Tom starts to quiz her on their investigation, but she says he has to spill some info first. To which he responds: It doesn’t work that way. So she thinks ‘screw you Tom’ and cha-cha-cha’s away, thinking that she has to tell Nick the investigation has officially tanked.

Chapter 10: Lila is angry at Bruce for humiliating her. He makes her even more furious by not opening the car door for her as a gentleman would. She whinges: “I can put up with a lot of things. I can put up with a bad temper. A slob. A louse. Or a liar. But I will not put up with a cheapskate!” Her priorities are somewhat skewed. Bruce is offended by this allegation. Why he just spent buckets of money on a Sat-Nav system. Lila decides not to cry as she’s already used up today’s tear quotient but is seething that Jess will spend the next 5 (not 37?) years bragging about her undercover work and Lila will have nothing to brag about. Then she decides that she’s falling out of love with Bruce. She doesn’t like his eyelashes. Or his cheeks. So she dumps him and says she’s going back to the club. Bruce points out that she has to be part of a couple so Lila says she’ll steal Paul from Bunny. Bruce is, naturally, horrified. Doesn’t she remember that Paul is chubby?

I was wrong. Nick wheezes with laughter when Jess recounts what happened with Lila and Tom. He then comforts her by saying that her instincts were good but 9 out of 10 undercover ops are a waste of time. Um, what? But then why are Liz and Tom investigating, Jess wonders?

Lila calls Paul to apologise for Bruce’s behaviour. He invites back to the club to have dinner, letting her know that Bunny doesn’t have to be there. Bruce is right, Lila thinks, Paul isn’t as dumb as he seems. She considers wearing satin pajama pants (What?) but then settles on a green dress (phew). This colour suits her, as it’s the colour of money.

Bruce is exhausted after his argument with Lila. He runs into Winston and complains to him that the VS members are too snobby for him. Winston is amused. Then Bruce asks Winston for relationship advice. Winston says that, seeing as Lila told Bruce that she never wants to see him again, Bruce should be pretty worried. But Bruce thinks Winston is just playing devil’s advocate because Lila would never go near Paul Krandall. Even though his dad’s a Congressman and he beat you at tennis, Winston comments. Bruce decides to ignore Winston.

Chapter 11: Jess and Nick are at the police station. Nick has asked the chief to pile extra praise on Jess to help her feel less disappointed by how the case turned out. Once again, a little patronising. Nick wants to take Jess to dinner and hear about her clean pure life where nobody gets hurt or robbed or dies. Um, she hasn’t told him anything about her life has she? Because all of those things have happened. Several times. But then the Chief tells them they have to go to the hospital.
At the hospital, Nick introduces Jess as his partner. She is thrilled. He says it’s because she came clean about her cover being blown and didn’t let her ego get in the way of the case. It seems Liz could use some moral advice from her lil sis. It turns out a transport vehicle was found abandoned with about forty people locked inside. These people had paid money to a broker in Monterray to get them over the border but were then abandoned and left to suffocate in a really hot van. One of these people has mentioned something about VS. Nick is hoping this is the break he’s been waiting for. Um, didn’t he just say the investigation was a pile of crap. They talk to a patient who was told that if he could get to VS, he would be given papers and a job. He was supposed to ask for someone named Wil E. Coyote. Then the poor patient grabs Jess’ hand and tugs on her heartstrings. The police officer tells them the victims were found in a red cargo van!! But wait a second - that’s just like the van Jess saw Paul driving!!

Chapter 12: Tom has heard what has happened over his police scanner and is disgusted. He knows that Paul couldn’t be running the operation himself - he doesn’t have the brains or capital. He spots Nick’s car and decides to follow him to find out what’s going on.
In the meantime, Liz has spotted Tom’s car and is tailing him. Scott tells her to be careful Tom doesn’t notice but Liz scoffs and says ‘This ain’t my first time at the rodeo.’ There are no words. She then starts to cry when she realises that the distance between her car and Tom’s is nothing compared to the real distance between them, which is wide as the Pacific. Scott surprisingly doesn’t kick her in the cranium but offers her a tissue. Tom looks into his rearview mirror and Liz panics that he has seen her. But he can’t see her, not at all. Liz’s heart breaks.

Bruce is angry with Lila for being disloyal. And he resolves to do something about it. He chuckles in an evil fashion.

Chapter 13: Nick and Jess take a turn down Reservoir Road, a 4 mile twisty stretch with no lighting. They stop, Jess dons some sneakers and she and Nick go in search of the abandoned van. Of course they become distracted by the moonlight and start to make out. Then Nick hears something. Dun, dun, DUN!

 Lila is being bored by the Congressman, but is flirting heavily with Paul. She feels guilty about Bruce for a moment but pushes it aside when she remembers that he annoys her. Then, what d’ya know, Bruce appears, wearing an ugly expression. Bruce starts spouting off about how the club is involved in extortion and blackmail. Carlos clutches his pearls in panic. Bu Bruce is only talking about how Paul hustled him and stole his girlfriend. Carlos relaxes. Lila is humiliated. But she also finds it exciting that she inspired so much rage in him. She hopes that Paul and Bruce are going to start fighting over her because that would be talked about for years! But Paul gets Carlos to kick Bruce out, much to Lila’s disgust. Bruce leaves, taking the tennis trophy with him, saying that he intends to throw it in the reservoir. Lila ends up falling in the pool.

Jess is worried because Nick seems to think they’re being followed. He unzips his jacket so he can have easy access to his gun. But then they find the van. And, what d’ya know, it is the van Jess saw this morning! But then Nick pulls her to the ground and points his gun at a tree, shouting ‘Freeze!’ Dun, dun, DUN!

It’s only Tom. Nick is suspicious - is Tom part of the crime ring? Tom pleads with Jess to tell Nick he’s not a criminal. ‘That’s not how it works’ is Jess’ reply. Sociopathic or not, I love her. Tom admits he has a police scanner and came in search of his story. Nick has had it with sanctimonious reporters who feel their stories are more important than police investigations, so he decides to prove a point by arresting Tom. Tom says he can help but only if Nick takes the cuffs off first. This does not please Nick. Nick starts to kick the van. Why? Because he’s not allowed to kick Tom. Jess is P.O’ed because of Nick’s double standards - he’s always telling her to remain calm. They start to have an argument, which makes Tom roll his eyes. But...what’s this? Another rustle in the bushes? Nick pulls everyone to the ground and points his gun at the trees once again. Dun, Dun, Dun! (I’m overusing these, aren’t I?)

Chapter 14: It’s only Scott and Liz. Tom says ‘Thank goodness’ which made me giggle. Nick is not happy - he doesn’t want any more surprise visitors. He asks Liz to share what she knows. She refuses. He says that she’s under arrest. They all are. He just has to think of something to charge them with. Jess scolds Nick - this gives Tom and Liz the opportunity to gaze meaningfully into each other’s eyes. Liz thinks she might cry. Nick takes some deep breaths and tells everyone to start talking. But...suddenly Jess tells her BF that she’s heard yet another rustle. Someone’s coming. They’ll have to hide in the van because Nick can’t protect everyone by himself. Nick agrees so he helps Liz, Tom and Scott in, then climbs in himself. He reaches out to pull Jess in but she shuts the door, locking them inside. Nick is not pleased. Jess says they need to be taught a lesson - they have to work together. Nick can’t believe he thought Jess was a professional. We can’t either, Nick. But still. She’s a genius.

Liz starts to hyperventilate. Scott sees her and starts to panic, asking if anyone has a paper bag. The idea that one of them would carry around a paper bag in case of this kind of situation makes Liz laugh. Suddenly they’re all laughing. Even Nick. Aw. Jess’ plan is working. Liz is first to step up and admit that Jess is right (I’d record that if I were you, Jess) and that they’ve all been letting competition get in the way of what’s important. Um, except for Nick,  right Liz? Don’t want him to shoot you for being annoying. So she tells Nick and Tom what she’s discovered. Nick remarks that this tallies with the illegal immigrants stuff he’s found out. Tom then pulls his rabbit out of the hat - the buena suerte money. But where is Manuel Coimbra now??
Meanwhile, Jess is having a giggle to herself and is pleased that, as she’s not a real cop, she doesn’t have to follow any rules which might prevent her from trapping people in a steel deathbox. Suddenly she gets grabbed from behind. Oh noes! Her attacker threatens to kill her if she screams, then he puts a bag over her head. She recognises his voice - it’s Paul Krandall!!! She would clutch her pearls if she was wearing any. He ties her wrists together and shoves her into the passenger legspace of the truck’s cab. She feels she may have made a tiny boo-boo by locking the gang in the van. She worries that Nick will be mad. Or will be dead. She tries to leap to her feet to do something to help them but conks her head on the dashboard and is knocked out. D’oh. (Don’t worry Jess, Nancy Drew got knocked out all the time and she was just fine. It was never self-inflicted...but never mind)

Cut back to the gang in the van - Liz is explaining the boring Manuel spelled with an ‘o’ story, which Tom doesn’t get. (This means it’s explained to the reader once more, just in case we didn’t get it the first million times) Nick does and praises her for her first class investigating. No, Nick! Don’t encourage her!! Liz is delighted - Nick doesn’t give out compliments very often. She feels confident and focused....because of Tom’s presence. He stimulates her in ways Scott can’t. Stimulates her brain, that is. Nick tells them that a coyote is someone who smuggles in illegal immigrants. They doubt that Paul is smart enough to be Wil E. Coyote so maybe it’s his dad, the Congressman!  Just then, they feel the van begin to move. Jess can’t drive a cargo van! Who’s out there??? Dun, dun, wheeze, DUN!!!

Jess wakes up, all disoriented. She realises that the ropes, which are tied around her Perdita-bracelets, are very tight. But the bracelets - tight they are not. Stupid Paul.

Lila’s hanging with Bunny, Pepper and Anderson while she waits for her dress to dry off. She’s enraged that Paul hasn’t come back to check on her. Then she is insulted several times by the snotty bunch - Pepper doesn’t recognise the designer of her dress; she also notes that even though Lila has a top stylist there’s only so much he can do with hair like hers. GASP. She did not just insult Lila’s appearance. Then Bunny says she’s now going to call Lila ‘Ribbit’ because of how she looked floating in the pool. Lila thinks ‘over my dead body’ and screeches ‘That does it! I’m leaving.’ In a robe, Pepper asks? No, is Lila’s reply, in a huff! And she storms off.

Meanwhile, the van gang are being painfully thrown around inside the van as it moves along. And it’s getting hot. Very, very hot. Dun, dun...you get the idea.

Jess releases her wrists and remembers Nick once told her to never underestimate the element of surprise. So she, surprisingly, opens the van door and jumps out, hiding in the bushes when Paul stops to look for her. When she’s sure she’s safe, she heads to the road.

The van-gang, having noticed the van is stationary, have started throwing themselves against the (steel!) doors to try to get them open. But it’s no use. Then the van starts moving again. Nick remembers his gun - perhaps he could shoot a way out (let’s not remark on any holes there might be in that plan). But...d’oh. He dropped it when Jess made him get in the van. Nick proceeds to bang his head off the (steel!) wall. Then the motion of the van becomes smoother - they’re on a road. But to where?

Jess sees the van’s disappearing headlights and starts to cry, thinking that she should have stayed put. But what’s this? An approaching vehicle? She stands in the middle of the road and screams for the driver to stop. And it’s 1Bruce1!!! I desperately want to play some sort of superhero theme music right now. And Bruce is there of course. But he still thinks she’s Perdita. She says no Bruce, I’m Jessica. Well Jess, he replies, why are you dressed up like Perdita? I think Jess starts to wish he had been shot by that sniper. Bruce thinks that Nick is investigating Paul because of his own police tip-off and Jess agrees with him to get him to drink a tall glass of shut the hell up and stop being an idiot. She says they need to follow that van. Bruce says they’ll be seen coming; they have to switch off the lights. How lucky that Bruce bought that top of the range Sat-Nav device. He makes Jess promise to tell Lila that he used it because she was being snotty about it earlier.

Chapter 16: Lila is lying on her Battenberg lace pillows listening to Denise and Izzy comfort her. Well that’s the idea anyway. But they actually make her feel worse, with Denise pointing out that if Paul doesn’t call, that means Lila has no boyfriend at all! Lila clutches her pearls and thinks to herself that Bruce isn’t perfect but he’s a great boyfriend. She gets dressed and decides that she’s going to get Bruce back! Yay! But he’s a little busy right now I’m afraid...

Bruce is mentally gloating over how brilliant his sat-nav thingie is, and how he’s going to make Lila eat her words like an ‘arugula and watercress salad.’ Oh boy. Bruce thinks he might start dating Bunny and rub Lila’s face in the fact that she wanted to go out with a felon. He asks Jess if Paul will get jail time for his hustling. Jess says probably, because he might have killed someone. Bruce is aghast and 1Bruce1 screeches to a halt. Did he, Bruce asks, kill someone who beat him at tennis? No, Bruce. Bruce decides that it’s not the best idea to head to a dead-end location near a reservoir where a killer is waiting. Jess disagrees. Bruce wishes Lila had some sane friends. He says they have to go back to get help, but Jess takes the keys from the ignition and throws them away. Now they have to go on foot.  Bruce wonders how Nick puts up with Jess, and if Jess’ string of boyfriends have their own support group. He thinks they should. I reluctantly agree. He starts to appreciate that Lila never wants to make him chase murderers. He tells Jess that he’s not going with her; he’ll wait for help. She says she needs back up. He gives her a tennis racket. (Maybe he thought she said backhand???)

The van gang are getting worried, realising that they’re probably at the reservoir. A good place to dump a van, Nick remarks. Thanks for the mood uplift there, Fox. Nick asks the others if anyone knows where they are - they say no. Nick is not pleased. Then Tom asks him and he replies ‘Jessica’. Scott, heartlessly, comments ‘Big help now’, implying he thinks that Jessica is sleeping with the fishes. Liz cries. So does Nick, a little. But Tom points out that Jess is wily (but not a coyote) and there’s no way she could be dead without Liz knowing about it. They have psychic twin powers, remember??
 
Chapter 17: Jess  notices her head is bleeding. She’s also thwacking bushes with the tennis racket and calling herself Indiana Joanie. I think she might be concussed. She wishes she’d let Bruce go for help. Just then...there’s a rustle in the bushes. Someone grabs her ankle and drags her from another bush, where she has decided to hide. Dun, dun, dun!

The van gang are waiting calmly for the driver to open the door. Liz stares meaningfully at Tom and her eyes fill with tears of regret. She wants to tell him how she feels. They hug and she begins to say something...but the van door screeches open.
Tom now has a reason to live - Liz loves him! The driver is wearing a mask and holding a gun. Liz realises it’s Paul, at which point he drops the mask and asks ‘How did you know it was me?’ They ask him where Jess is and he doesn’t know. They are relieved. Paul is amused when they think his dad is on the evil scheme, but not so amused when he discovers they think he’s too dumb to be Wil E. Coyote. Liz asks herself: WWNDD? (What Would Nancy Drew Do?) And the answer? Get the bad guy to start monologuing! Paul admits that he never meant to kill Dwayne - he didn’t know he couldn’t swim. They just wanted to scare him. And they sent Manuel back to Mexico because he was wigging out.
Then Wil E. Coyote turns up. And Tom has a D’oh moment. Paul had access to voting records because of his dad’s position. But who had access to willing workers who could be used as human cargo?? The headwaiter at a country club, that’s who. Paul tells Carlos that he waited for Bruce to turn up but he’s apparently lost his nerve so they might as well start killing. Elizabeth will go first. I would prob pick her too. But Tom dives in the way of the bullet. Luckily Carlos has grabbed Paul’s arm, meaning the bullet is fired towards the sky.
Carlos asks Paul where the immigrants are. When he finds out that Paul abandoned the van, because they arrived ahead of schedule, he is tres pissed off and tells Paul he has gone too far. Tom realises that Carlos helped beat Dwayne up but wasn’t around when Paul pushed him in the water. He’s not a murderer; he can make a choice not to become one. Paul says ‘Nu-uh’ Carlos must take half of the blame cos they’re partners. Just then a voice says: ‘It doesn’t work that way’ and Tom sees a huge rabbit jump out of the bushes and hit Paul with a tennis racket. Oh no wait, not a rabbit. It’s Jessica. I understand that mistake. I always get Jess and Bugs Bunny confused. Tom sees his opportunity and dives at Paul, hitting him low just as Liz hits him high. Don’t see how that was necessary. Surely a massive ex-footballer hurtling towards him would put the shits up Paul sufficiently? And what does the size-six Liz weigh now that she’s lost her freshman 15? Not much, I imagine. Tom disturbs Jess and Nick making out to request Nick’s handcuffs, but he notices that Carlos is pointing the gun at him. Dun, dun, dun!

Tom is very courageous and keeps walking towards Carlos, urging him to hand over the gun. Carlos cocks the revolver, which makes a loud clicking noise. Tom almost pees his pants but doesn’t lose his resolve. Carlos does - he drops the gun and runs away, but is thwarted by another mystery figure who emerges from the bushes and knocks him out with a trophy! It’s Bruce! Yay! And then Lila arrives in her car! It’s inexplicable, but still - yay! Liz starts to cry. She and Tom hug, and she tells him never to do anything stupid and dangerous again. He can’t promise that because he doesn’t want her to ever get hurt. They’re just about to kiss...when they are interrupted, this time by Jessica. Then a police chopper shows up. If Lila can drive down there, surely the police could?? Tom tries not to cry as the moment with Liz is lost. He thinks that what happened with Liz was just one of those near-death experiences - God knows they’ve had quite a few of those. He feels angry with himself for thinking all their problems could be solved with a kiss.

Nick is playing cab driver and dropping everyone off. Tom gets out first at the station. He offers his hand for Scott to shake. Liz is upset that Scott seems begrudging - it makes him seem petty. Tom then shakes Liz’s hand. She starts to say something to him....but is interrupted by poor Dana coming along, all upset because she was worried about Tom. Liz hears Tom comfort Dana and realises that he used the same comforting tone with her. There was nothing special about what they shared. It was just generic ‘hero comforts damsel in post traumatic stress’. Did Liz just honestly refer to herself as a damsel? Oh, jeez. Then Nick drops Jess and Liz off. Liz thinks that something has changed inside Jessica.

Lila tells Bruce that she no longer wants to become a VIP circle member, which he is pleased about. She had no idea he was so brave, dynamic and forceful. And can’t believe that he would leave his precious 1Bruce1 unattended. He can’t really believe it either. They make out.

Liz and Scott are watching Tom’s story on TV. It’s good. During the break, footage is shown of old Tom and Liz clips...because they’re the only reporters on campus apparently. One clip is of them running toward a fire. Another Alice and Ned failing: they never taught the twins that fire is bad. Liz feels weird about not sharing the moment with Tom. Then Scott leans in to kiss her. She sighs and thinks to herself that they should get it over with and then she can remind him that she’s not interested. Hmmm, are these your clear ‘don’t touch’ signals Liz?? Because they’re decidedly flawed. Scott expects her to recoil and push him away as she has done so many other times before. Wow, he’s a persistent fellow. I’ll say that for him. Is he not worried that he’s strayed into sexual harrassment territory? Anyway Liz enjoys making out with him, much to her surprise. But then he says that he’s leaving to go the Denver Centre of Investigative Reporting. Which is in Denver. He thinks she should apply too. She couldn’t possibly leave SVU. Or Tom. But maybe she should? (I’m sure Jess is delighted that she wasn’t considered at all.)

Chapter  18: Jessica is chatting with Izzy, Lila and Denise about what has happened. Lila is disgusted that Denise dug a newspaper out of the recycling bin to read Liz’s story. “It was a used newspaper. Who knows where that thing has been?” Jess is really proud of Liz, who’s story has taken up the entire issue of the paper. Eh? But she’s also thinking about the people for whom justice has been done, including the guy at the hospital who has turned out to be...Manuel Coimbra!! (real name: Pedro)
Liz’s phone, meanwhile, has been ringing off the hook all morning with congratulatory phonecalls. Ick. Brandon Phillips drops by with a gift - a dictionary. Liz tells him, truthfully, that she loves dictionaries. Ick. Apparently Brandon’s prison pallor is gone. He had prison pallor?? I thought the longest you could hold someone without charge was like three days?? Prisons obviously work their magic quickly! He thanks Elizabeth for finding out the truth. She smugly thinks to herself - yes, I did find out the truth, and the truth set Brandon free. There are no words. She thinks about the scholarship to Denver some more.

Tom reads Liz’s story and is blown away. He laughs that she’s managed to scoop him by including a letter from Juan Mendoza who was on holiday all along. (Ha! I was right) He is now going to retire and move in with his grandson, a professor of neurology at SVU. I like how they’ve dodged stereotyping at least one member of the Latin community. Tom realises that Carlos was a decent guy who got caught up in something that got out of control. He was looking for the American Dream and found the American Nightmare. Tom resolves to visit Carlos in jail. I’m guessing that doesn’t happen. But I haven’t read book no.36 so maybe I’m wrong. (Doubtful!). He sees Elizabeth walking across campus with an envelope (ooh!) and decides to go talk to her.

Nick and Jess are in a diner, being all loved up. Jess asks Nick if he really thought her instincts were good. He says yes but he can’t bring her onto any more cases with him because he’ll worry too much. Jess is happy that he loves her but it’s not enough for her anymore. She wants to leave SVU and go to police academy. Funnily enough, Nick wants to quit the force and go to college to be a pre-law student. They’re both stumped.

Liz blushes when she sees that Tom has sought her out. They praise each other’s work. He remarks wistfully that it’s different working alone, that it’s nice having someone to help. She’s offended, accusing him of implying she couldn’t have gotten, or written, the story without Scott. Tom’s confused but points out that the whole thing was a collaborative effort. Cue awkward silence. Bet Tom’s wishing he’d gone to see Carlos instead. Tom leaves. Liz thinks that maybe it is time to leave SVU and starts to cry directly on the envelope. Taking one last look at Tom’s back, hoping for some kind of sign (him approaching you was one, idiot!) she mails her application to DCIR.